2011: A Year I Knew God Heard My Heart

It seemed a little late to be reminiscing about 2011 now that we are already at the threshold of the 2nd quarter of 2012. But late is better than never, and a thankful heart cannot be contained. I need to share about the goodness of God in my life.

Truth be told, even though I enjoy being a mum and I love my kids, there were many moments in my life when I felt sad that my life was no longer mine. I could not drop everything and leave for a holiday anytime I wanted. I could not return home anytime I wanted or catch a midnight movie when I felt like it. My life had to revolve around my kids, their timetables and schedules, their likes and dislikes. Even when I order something at lunch, I have to consider if it’s something they would eat.

Deep down in my heart, I always felt this loss that I hadn’t done the thing I really wanted to do, before I had kids – And that is to travel the world. Before I had kids, I didn’t have the time and the finances. After I had kids, I still didn’t have time and the finances. Once in a while when I thought about this, I would feel sad, knowing that I would probably have to wait till my kids are old enough to fend for themselves, before I can think of traveling anywhere.

God, however, had a much better plan than me. He obviously heard the cries of my heart. I didn’t tell any of these to anyone, not even my hubby knows the intensity of these desires. He must have heard me grumbling here and there, but only God knows how much I wished I could go traveling to see the world.

2011 was thus the year that God showed me He is not a God only of yesterday. He is a God who lives TODAY. He is not a God who does not see or hear. He is a God who knows exactly what goes on in my mind and heart. And He wants to bring those desires, however materialistic or negligible they may seem, to pass.

In the 34 years I’ve lived, 2011 was the one I went for the most number of overseas holidays. The best thing was out of the various trips, some of them were free or paid for by others. In one year, I travelled to 5 different countries!

April: Brought Joey to Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam
July: Kuan Family went Bali, Indonesia for beach vacation (Air tickets fully sponsored by Jetstar! Wooohooo!)
Sep: Went Taiwan with Jayne, my parents & brother (My brother fully sponsored this trip! Woohoooo!)
Oct: Wedding Anniversary holiday with hubby to Bangkok
Dec: Staff Retreat to Bintan, Indonesia for whole family (Fully sponsored by boss! Wooohooo!)
Dec: Zone Retreat to Pulai Springs Resort, Malaysia

God is good, isn’t it? =)

Year 2012 is going to be an even better year, I proclaim! =D

To My Friends

I am not someone who has many close friends.

On the surface, I may be chatty and pretty friendly to most people. But I am a very private person. I don’t have the habit of sharing my inner thoughts and feelings with my friends – Not even those who are very close to me. I either keep everything to myself, or I share only with my hubby, who has been my best friend for 20 years.

True friendship is something that happens when two friends share and open up their hearts to each other. When there is no real exchange of feelings and emotions, the friendship usually does not progress to a deeper level. That is the reason why I do not have that many close friends. There are not many people who really know my heart and intentions. Or maybe I don’t make it easy for just anyone to step into my zone.

I therefore consider myself a very lousy friend. I usually do not open up myself until someone first opens up to me. And even when someone does open up to me, I may not be open in reciprocation. In my life though, I have got a handful of friends who love me for who I am, tries to understand me even when they don’t really do, and are willing to go the extra mile for me. Truth be told, I don’t deserve friends like that. I really don’t. Because I don’t make a good friend myself. But I guess, God is so good to me that He places good friends around me who would still rally around me even when I am at my worst. Everyday, I feel thankful knowing that I have friends like that. I am not like my hubby, who seems to have many good buddies and close friends. He is naturally a sociable and very friendly guy, unlike me. I take time to warm up to people, but when I do, I can be rather funny at times and I would like to think that people do enjoy hanging around me.

Over the years though, I think I’ve grown and become better at socialising and making friends. It’s probably a package that comes with age and maturity. Or perhaps a survival skill that I needed to acquire because of my job and ministry. It gets easier for me to make small talk, chat up people I don’t really know, or at least say something sensible without appearing like a fool with absolutely no interest at all. I don’t deny it sucks up a lot of energy from me when I do that, but I actually feel happier at the end of the day. So I guess it’s something good.

A question I’ve always been asking myself through the years is whether I’ve been a good friend. Have I been a friend who listens and empathise? Have I been a friend who can offer advice and solution? Have I been a friend who can offer comfort and a shoulder to cry on? Have I been a friend who encourages and not put down? Have I been a good-enough friend? I guess we can all become a better friend. There is always room for improvement. All the more for a person such as me.

I feel like listing down all my close friends in this entry and thanking them one by one. But then, I thought again and realised I don’t really need to. My close friends should know who they are. If they do not know, they probably are not in my list anyway.

To my close friends:

Thank you for the assuring nod.
Thank you for the timely smile.
Thank you for the unwavering faith.
Thank you for the time you spent with me.
Thank you for not remembering my careless words.
Thank you for accepting me along with my weaknesses.
Thank you for loving me & my family.
Thank you for growing old together with me.
Thank you for sharing your lives with me.
Thank you for believing in me.
Thank you for being my friend.

Comfort Zone

How many of us would be willing to step out of our comfort zone and go into the unknown? This thing called ‘Comfort Zone’ has been the main hurdle in most people’s lives. Staying in the comfort zone is easy, comfortable and contented. Everyone loves the comfort zone.

I remember when I was working in the Ministry Of Home Affairs Central Narcotics Bureau many years ago, I was asked whether I want to move on to another position within CNB, or to be transferred to the Ministry of Home Affairs Headquarters to try a totally different position. My predecessors all made the choice to stay in CNB because it’s a happy family, and staying put in the organisation would let them stay within their comfort zone. At that point, I decided that I wanted to take the risk and venture out to a totally different job scope. I thought that since I was still relatively young, I could ‘afford’ to take risks. It was a decision that would make me leave all the dear colleagues-turned-good-friends, and the very cohesive working environment at CNB. Still, I took that plunge.

I have to admit, it was extremely uncomfortable for me in my new job. There were parts of my new job scope which I was absolutely not good at. My job then required me to sift through news programmes and newspapers everyday to extract critical news and information pertaining to the Home Team, and I was one who HATED reading the newspapers or watching the news. It was torturous, to say the least. Thankfully, there were those other parts of the job scope that I enjoyed doing and did well at. Plus, the colleagues were supportive and fun to hang around with. That helped me get through the two years I spent there. From there, I left the job to become a full-time worker in my church. It’s been six years since, and every moment of the six years had been wonderful, enjoyable and very satisfying.

As I looked back on the journey I took to eventually reach where I really am called to do, I could pinpoint exactly what God was training me to do every step of the way. Even those parts where I felt miserable and struggling as I stepped out of my comfort zone, God taught me many things through the experiences. I am the way I am today because of the ‘training’ I had gone through in my last few jobs. Stepping out of my comfort zone had not been easy, but because I’ve done it before, I find it a lot easier to do that now. It’s like a level I’ve managed to break through. Stepping out of the comfort zone made me stronger mentally and emotionally, more resilient in my mind and forced me to become more sociable and approachable.

As I grow older in age, may I not become yet another person who’s just happy staying in my comfort zone and not make any efforts to improve myself or push myself against the limits.

Work Is Meant To Be Enjoyable

I might be a workaholic, I don’t know.

I really do enjoy working very much. And I’m thankful that I like my job, my colleagues, my bosses and everything associated with what I do. Thankful because it’s not something that should be taken for granted. I’ve got many friends who rant and complain about their jobs every single day. Most feel miserable and unhappy, and want to leave their jobs but can’t do so because of many reasons.

I think work is meant to be enjoyable. Simply because God created work and decided that man should spend so many hours working a day, so I don’t believe He meant for it to be difficult and miserable. I do believe God wants us to enjoy our work and be happy in our jobs! Only then can we be happy people.

I am very privileged that I can work for my church and serve a community I love so much. I’ve always wanted to be a full-time church worker since young. I know that my strengths and interests lie in administration, so I’ve always wanted to be a secretary or admin person working full-time in a church. So I count my blessings everyday that I am doing exactly that now. =)

Of course, a church is like any other organisation – It’s not perfect and there are bound to be organisational and interpersonal issues. But I’ve been working in my church for the last 6 years, and I enjoy every moment. I love every one of my co-workers, my superiors and the lay leaders I work with. Not everyone’s an angel of course, but it’s been a very enriching journey so far.

My brother always tells me that he is amazed at how positive I am as a person. Frankly, I don’t see myself as a positive person. I don’t think that life is a bed of roses, or feel that everything is great in my life. I am just good at coping with whatever situation I am placed in. I guess you can say that I am adaptable and flexible. No matter where I am at, I can find a way to make myself stay happy and contented. I am glad that’s part of my DNA, because it definitely made me a easily-happy person. Come to think about it, ya maybe I am a positive person after all! =)

After the Chinese New Year holidays, the year officially starts. While we start getting into the momentum and getting busy all over again, keep that happy vibes going in your life, and perhaps make an extra effort to think positive and happy thoughts. Be amazed at what a difference that can make to your life. Cheers!

I Really Love CNY

My favourite time of every year has got to be the Lunar New Year. Christmas comes very close in 2nd place, but really, nothing is really like the Lunar New Year to me. I love the joyous mood & atmosphere that comes along with the Lunar New Year, and red, noisy and happy associated with it.

I think it’s got a lot to do with the happy memories of the festival I grew up with. Both my parents and I are born in Malaysia, so all our relatives still live in different parts of Malaysia even though we migrated to Singapore when I was three years old. When I was a kid, my happiest moments were when we drove back to Malaysia to meet our relatives during the Lunar New Year. Everything about it makes me smile even as I think about it now. The 5-hour drive starts early in the morning at 5am with loud Hokkien songs playing throughout the journey. We would stop at Ayer Tham to buy all kinds of firecrackers (yes still legalised in Malaysia then!), fresh fruits and little gifts for our relatives. When we reached Malaysia, we would go house to house to visit all my Uncles and Aunties whom we meet only once a year, to collect ang pows, eat titbits and play with the cousins and neighbours. It was all very fun.

On some years when we don’t make the trips back to Malaysia during the New Year, my dad and I would be couch potatoes and watch Cantonese drama serials everyday while munching on all kind of CNY goodies. In between, we would go for movies, have nice meals and go shopping. That was very nice too. =)

After I found my then-boyfriend-now-hubby Isaiah, it became an annual tradition that I would join his side of the relatives for New Year luncheon on the 1st day of the New Year. His mother’s sisters and brothers would all gather at their mum’s house for a great feasting, and because the entire clan are Christians, one of the Uncles, who’s a Pastor, would lead us all in a short prayer for blessings in the new year over the family and everyone, before the feasting begins. It was such a nice feeling to have a big family to hang out with during a festival like the Lunar New Year. I just love it.

Now that I have my own kids, hubby and I would bring them to Chinatown every year just to soak into the whole Lunar New Year mood. It’s crowded and very tiring, but definitely something we have to do every year. Appreciation of traditions must start from young. =)

And so, I’m sure you can understand why as I grew up, the Lunar New Year has always been my favourite festival. It’s closely associated with love, family meals and great time of fellowship. Have a great Lunar New Year, everyone. May it be filled with love and happiness. =D

52W Journal Week 1: Keep Believing

The first 7 days of 2012 went by just like that. It was bitter-sweet start to the year for me personally. The year kicked start with a really beautiful wedding of two dear friends close to my heart. It was one of those weddings I would remember even after many years. That was of course the sweet part.

The bitter part started way before the year even began. Since Christmas last year, I have been busy. Not with my own agenda, but just being there for someone very dear to me, who's going through a difficult phase of her life right now.

Everyday, I reach home, feeling drained and exhausted. Emotionally, there are a lot to deal with, and physically, it's tiring. The ironical thing is I'm not even the one directly in the crisis. I can't even imagine what goes on in the minds of these beloved ones. The sense of helplessness has got to be one of the most devastating emotions to go through. There is a problem, yet it's not within your means to resolve it. You just sit around every day, praying and hoping that a miracle will somehow happen. That, God will intervene.

We pray when we need help, regardless of what religion you believe in. We ask God to please help us, because it's something we need divine assistance. But the issue is prayers do not always get answered the way we want it to. Simply because God knows better. He sees what happens in our future before we even know it.

It's a theory we all know very well, and can recite it with confidence to someone else facing a crisis.

But being IN the crisis changes perspectives. Logical thinking becomes illogical. Sensibility becomes insensibility. All we crave for is a quick solution. And we want to see it NOW. We don't care about the big picture. At least not now.

I am praying everyday that 2012 will be a good year - Good for my family, my friends, myself and for these people dear to my heart. I pray that we will all get out of the crisis soon, and move on with greater things to come. One thing I hold on to very dearly is a promise that God made to me several years ago, "I am always with you." Whenever I feel the going is tough, I'd always be reminded of this and be comforted. Yes, I am not alone. My friends in the crisis are not alone.

God will come through for us. Amen.

New Year. New Hopes

A new year has begun even before I felt ready for it. Year 2011 has been a year that whisked past so quickly and in such a mad rush that I didn't even have time to pause to smell the roses. Ironically, it's a year I went for the most number of overseas vacations. Still, I felt tired as the year came to a close.

Nevertheless, as the saying goes, 'How you enter the year determines how the year's gonna be.' So, I'm determined to start the year on a good note, and I wish that 2012 will be a year that I search deeper into my soul and spirit and put into words, the many things I think and ponder about.

Have you thought about how your 2012 is going to be like? If you want it to be a good and memorable year, take some time to ponder about this question this week. It's going to mark a good beginning of something really wonderful in your life.

I wish for happiness for every one of you reading this. And the journey begins. =)